BEL MOONEY: I long for love but she treats me like a doormat. THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK.. Steady yourself and see. That it is your own thinking.
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That darkens your world.. John O'Donohue (Irish poet and philosopher, 1. By. Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail. Published. 2. 3: 0. BST, 1. 2 October 2.
Nearly 1. 8 months ago I got back in touch with a lady called Liz, after a gap of 2. We met in our teens and were friends for about 1. She’s pretty, clever, cultured, sweet- natured and it was love at first sight for me. But I lacked self- esteem and never felt able to tell her how I felt. I thought about her often after we lost touch and never met any other woman anywhere near her. On the few occasions I did meet someone I liked, fate always seemed to intervene against me.
She says she reserves that for someone she loves, and I'm not her boyfriend'I’m now quite wealthy, sporty, physically very fit, although of average looks. When I found Liz again I discovered she’d been divorced for many years, after a very short, late marriage, and had a teenage daughter.
After the nasty divorce, her ex- husband stayed very close to their daughter, who prefers him, much to Liz’s despair. When we met I immediately told her how I felt about her years ago, that I still felt the same and wanted to see her regularly to renew our friendship and hopefully more. After a while she told me that things could work between us but she isn’t looking for a relationship at the moment and nothing would happen until after her daughter left home in several years time. Nevertheless, we’ve seen each other a lot, been on holiday several times and she calls me virtually every day. She’s often upset about her difficult daughter and money, and I provide much emotional and practical support.
I pay for our activities together and sometimes we feel as close as any couple, but she won’t let things go beyond a hug. Not even a kiss on the lips. She says she reserves that for someone she loves, and I’m not her boyfriend. She knows I love her and want a full relationship, hopefully leading to marriage. There must be something wrong with me as we’re close, but she won’t take things further. She says she’s a free spirit and treasures her independent interest in the arts. Financially she can’t sustain her lifestyle and is continually bailed out by her family, who are quite wealthy. How To Watch Wonders (2015) Online here.
She has little interest in planning for her long- term future. My emotions are in a terrible state over our failure to develop our relationship and my fears that we never will, but I haven’t told Liz as I don’t want to frighten her off with the intensity of my feelings. Despite my desire to be with her, I’ve felt desolate when we’re together yet sleep apart. Recently I’ve felt that the situation is hopeless and that she’ll never have romantic feelings for me.
I cannot face life without her and I have no interest in dating other women. It’s been so bad that I’ve been thinking the only way out of this never- ending despair is to end my life. I’m in the process of making my will and leaving her enough to be financially secure for life. I’d welcome your thoughts. RICHARDThis is a sad story, but it’s not the first time I have read it. More than once before, a middle- aged man has written to me about a similar unrequited love. One of my responses is usually to worry that the poor chap will end up being carelessly exploited by a lady who finds it convenient to be adored, and has no problem accepting lovely holidays and gifts, without giving anything back except moans about money.
Bluntly, it seems to me that a woman who phones needily, takes all that a man can give, holds out faint hopes for the future, then retorts that she reserves kisses on the lips for . She’s entitled to live her life as she wishes. But it doesn’t sound as if she faces up to reality very willingly; after all, she’s hardly a . Teenage- type behaviour in a mature women isn’t very impressive, for all the qualities you adore. Besides, facing up to reality ought to involve seeing exactly what she is doing to you. Your life has never delivered to you the loving relationship you (and so many others) crave, and Liz was your fantasy from the start — idealised all the more as real life continued to let you down.
That explains why, when you reconnected, you blurted out all your longings. I should think she found that pretty daunting, and I wish (so much) that you hadn’t shown yourself to be so desperate. My favourite poet, W. B. Yeats has this advice: .
It is wise always to hold back, just a little, even in a long marriage — so that the day comes when you say or do something which is a surprise. That’s healthy. Why don’t you try surprising Liz now by mentioning — casually — that you are seeing a lady you just met?
And therefore maybe you should cool your friendship for a while? I don’t care if that’s a fib; it’s time she saw you as a Somebody, rather than the poor sap she can rest her tasteful shoes upon. You know that if she’d wanted a full relationship with you it would have happened by now. So it’s time you played it cool, against your nature. Now I have to address this wish of yours to die and leave her your money. To be honest, I would pity you if I didn’t find that quite so exasperating. Do you realise that there are many, many women of your age who are longing to find love?
That if you stopped mooning about over Liz and got yourself some new clothes and a fresh attitude you are as likely to find a new love as anybody? You’ve forged yourself a good life, and been unsuccessful only in love. In my view, it’s time you became serious about changing your life, with or without Liz. The first step will be to see a counsellor (visit itsgoodtotalk.
You’ll need more than one session, but please stop all this talk of suicide and do as I suggest. Value yourself, and I hope Liz will value you as you deserve. My son makes his wife so unhappy. DEAR BELPlease advise me. I know that my lovely daughter- in- law is very unhappy — because I recognise in her (without her saying anything) what I experienced with my husband in our 5. She visits as often as she can — a four- hour journey. My son not so often.
They have been married nearly 2. Download Unrest (2017) Hd. If your daughter- in- law isn't strong enough to insist on a wonderful holiday, there is little you - or anybody else - can do. She must be responsible for her own destiny.
He is very dictatorial, so I try not to discuss things with him. He always thinks his view is the right one — but when once I said this to him, he didn’t like it one bit and refused to discuss it with me. I have not visited them for four years (although I am welcome) because I do not want to witness his lack of affection for her. They sleep in separate rooms because he snores — and I wish he would seek help with this problem. Togetherness and closeness is so important in a marriage. It’s not just me who thinks she is unhappy — others who have visited them have noticed. Please suggest something I can do, as I love her to bits.
MARGARETHow refreshing to have the mother- in- law/daughter- in- law relationship honoured in this way, because so many letters say the opposite. As someone who was a devoted d- in- l for many years (continuing after divorce, of course) and who adores my own d- in- l, I know how rewarding this bond can be — most beautifully expressed by Ruth in the Old Testament, who clung to her mother- in- law Naomi, even after her husband’s death. Sadly, that love may be all you can offer, as it’s hard to see what you can do to help. In the same postbag I had a long email from a lady called Candace, worried sick about her friend, whose husband shows her no intimacy — and, worse, increasing disrespect.
I think it would be much easier if she didn’t love him so much.’At first I wondered if Candace was actually writing about her own situation, but something tells me she’s genuinely anxious about her friend — who has asked her husband to go to counselling, tried talking, and even racy undies.